Cold Hearts, Warm Farts - Civil War in Paris.

Brothers, sisters, ex-lovers, and those of us queuing in the HGV lane, a cataclysmic collision beyond comprehension awaits. We’ve read of Vesuvius, we’ve heard of Tsunamis, & we’ve witnessed Gordan D’Arcy in the breakdown but when round two of the 2022 Six Nations in Paris collides with ‘Valentine’s Weekend’ we’ll have a split greater than the 1922-23 Irish civil war.

In today’s polarizing societal climate, we have Liberals & Republicans, Remainers & Brexiteers, Full Backs & The Rest, but none of the aforementioned come close to modern society’s mid-Atlantic ridge – the boyfriend vs the single man. Not since the Easter Rising at the GPO will we see friends of the froth, comrades of the cream, belly brothers stare each other eye to eye, and pledge allegiance to their past or indeed, their future. That choice is simple either: take to the high stool or take to the camera, snapping pictures of their beret wearing girlfriend pretending to pick up The Louvre.

O’Leary is fuelling up the 737 ‘Brothership’ with the finest kerosene from crisis-stricken regions that the futures market can buy.  Single, rogue, and obnoxious egg tossers will scramble aboard. Shoulder to shoulder the lonely-hearts club will take to the Parisian cafés and bars with Covid-19 vaccination proof in hand.

These, a gallant troop of men sobbing at every sip of their warm Kronenbourg praying that the fallen soldiers left behind at the perfume section in T2 of Dublin Airport will muster the strength to just Johnny Cash it and walk the line of liberty from their better halves - to once again join in the mob of single, lonely portly men with a drunken chorus of ‘Non, Je ne Regrette Rien’. We are not looking for heroes or freedom fighters merely ‘Submarine Boyfriends’- stick with the crew in the depths of porter, only going to the surface when exterior pressure is unrelenting and proves too much. However, the French horn is a funny old instrument – time will tell if it will be listened to or silenced and subdued.

So, whether your weekend will consist of rolling around under the Eiffel Tower with two bottles of cheap rose at your side or being dragged to The Pont des Arts to ‘lock your love’ with a VAT free Dubai blood diamond engagement ring in your arse pocket just take a minute to crouch, touch, pause and remember:

The opposite for courage is not cowardice, it is conformity and even a dead fish can go with the flow.

You call it madness, but I call it love.

You call it love, but I call it madness.

‘Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité’.