How Old Were You When You Were Born?
“An ungrateful man will complain about a hole in his pocket,
A wise man will scratch his ballix” – Socrates.
You don’t just turn thirty. The path is long, the path is arduous, the path generally consists of poorly laid asphalt. It constitutes a number of key sections & milestones that culminate in the biggest win of the week being the fact you’ve matched a pair of socks on a Tuesday morning. Childhood- the naivety, the innocence & the joy, Puberty- popping spots and flicking snots, the turbulent twenties- simply put, the ‘what if?’ years, all separate metaphorical floors that need to be experienced in order for the elevator of life to progress and reach the 3rd floor – yer thirties (together after me, in through the nose and out through the mouth).
For six months now, since the elevator doors creeped open, I’ve scratched my metaphorical ballix, ruminating & pondering on my journey to this defining point. Akin to how our Lord and savior came down to Moses on Mount Sinai to deliver the ten commandments, I am here to evangelize to the average and below average plebian populace, a set of commandments that are not to educate or instruct but to deliver comfort & relief. All rise and repeat after me – “I am not alone”.
1. White underpants are made for commercials not reality.
The price is what you pay but the value is what you get – nothing echoes this sentiment more than a media pressured purchase of a pair of snow-white Calvin Klein Y-fronts with a 2009 Jamie Dornan eyeballing you from an erotic stance on the label. With maturity, you find it’s the substance in life that truly adds value. So, the next time you catch a glimpse of a pair of white jocks in the wild just know that the boring mundane simpleton wearing them who is feeding this self-serving image & ego based societal system has clearly never experienced the pleasure (and aftermath) of a piping hot vindaloo & seven crisp pints of cobra lager.
2. Its ok to be the green bell pepper in a multipack.
Red, yellow and green – in that order. The unanimous verdict on popularity regarding the coveted & versatile bell pepper. It’s a multipack that dominates the shopping basket of your twenties and distinctly symbolizes that period in life too. Much of our twenties are spent as a green pepper, full of neglect, alienation and a general sense of ‘am I good enough’. The realization that every red & yellow pepper once was an unripe under-utilized green pepper can be applied to the journey of life. Every dog has its day but if they’ve been a good boy they might get two.
3. It’s never too late to own a loofa.
*audible roar from housemate in 2015*
‘Why is there a bottle of fairy liquid in the shower?’
Times were tough, but baby so were we. Knowledge is knowing that Lynx Africa isn’t a deodorant, wisdom is realizing that it’s a one of the most aromatic & potent pheromones on planet earth. Knowledge is knowing that shampoo should only be used once a week and that you are never truly clean unless you are scrubbing yourself with a pineapple shaped loofa, wisdom is accepting that it won’t remove the smell of regret, shame & humiliation.
4. Nobody is right if everybody is wrong.
We live in a world of ‘influencers’; defined in Collins dictionary in 2024 as a homogenized group of egocentric, self-absorbed individuals that peddle about as much sense as Bono between songs. Examples include but are not limited to: overweight people teaching you how to loose weight, size zero models highlighting the joy of eating cookies & pizza, hybrid ‘athletes’ that couldn’t run a bath nevermind a decent time & gymfluencers with more juice in them than tropicana. Step back and remember; statistics don’t measure character and followers certainly don’t measure sense.
5. Be held like a fart on a first date.
There is only so much a maternity pillow, half a bottle of Gaviscon, a lavender diffuser, three paracetamols and a pack of chewits can do on a Sunday morning after a night on the guzzle. As crippling, border-line life changing anxiety hurtles towards you like Honeysuckle in the 2022 Champion Hurdle you soon come to understand that human touch and more specifically your pudgy tummy being rubbed in an anticlockwise direction whist being whispered ‘everything is ok’ and fed purple & green wine gums is all that’s desired and most certainly all that’s required.
Take from the above what you will but remember it’s all downhill till fifty. Burn the Jo Malone triple wick from both sides – life is for living. This mass has now ended, you may go in peace.
Be your own daddy make your own sugar.
The maestro, the troubadour the poet & the bard.
Yours in crises,